Sometime in the early ’90s (= me around age 30), two friends and I went to a nearby Renaissance Faire. We all agreed to visit Rita, a much-recommended fortune teller. Friend One entered Rita’s gypsy-style caravan and later popped out with a thoughtful expression and a cassette tape recording of what Rita had said. Friend Two did the same. But Rita, an energy/aura reader, struggled when it was my turn. “You’re a very private person,” she said. She struggled some more, finally asking me to speak to her of inconsequential/impersonal things, such as what I’d eaten for dinner, just so my voice might help her. Finally, she gave up.
Rita refunded my money and suggested I see the Faire’s palm reader.
When I told my mother this story, she said, “I’m not surprised–I never know what you’re thinking.”
Well, things change! Last Saturday, I told this story to a couple of friends who only met me in 2006. They were stunned. They simply couldn’t imagine a version of me that was that guarded/closed-up. These women, I realized, never knew “Sarah,” the name I used for decades before reclaiming my childhood identity. They are completely unfamiliar with her insecurities and other assorted baggage. How wonderful is that?
I can keep the transformation fueled by all that baggage without needing to identify with its old energy.
And having gone through the process, I’m free to use past pain in other ways. I have now written three books featuring a main character who is either self-righteous about something or more generally something of a control freak, who needs to loosen up and accept that there are other viewpoints and ways of doing things. Further, I recognized “control” as just another name for fear, and of course, we must surrender fear to truly experience love.
As a fun aside…The trip to the Fair was May 1st. In honor of the day, we each carried an armload of carnations and whenever anyone noticed the flowers, we’d beam and give him or her one of the carnations along with wishes for a happy May Day. It was such fun to see strangers suddenly light up! And it cost us just a few bucks each. Wow.